You know? When someone gradually disappears from your life, you kind of assume that your appearance and significance in their universe has probably grown less and less important over time. But, people are like that, life functions like that. People are bound to come and go whether you like it or not and you cannot stop people from growing and changing. Someday, the ones you love the most can just pack everything and go on an adventure with different people and you might have a connotation that your purpose in their lives is more or less fulfilled.
Realizing that is probably painful, but it’s also reasurring knowing you are the one that deeply affected them and whatever they do in the future will partly because of your impact. However, it is sad regardless of what the epiphany was. I always told you that emotion and logic are two sides of the same coin. Your mind can tell you whatever you want it to tell you, but your heart begs to differ.
Since I first left the country 3 years ago, I do realize that the time we spent together on the phone grew getting less and less. Our conversations just switched from everyday activities to just casually asking how am I living these days. And it just happened so naturally that I never really question why that was the case, not because I didn’t pay it any attention, it was just because I didn’t really have the time to thoroughly think it through.
And when it suddenly hits you, you realize that ‘Oh, you kinda fucked up’.
I underwent drastic changes during my highschool time and you unfortunately was the main ‘victim’ of it. Of course, I mean it in a joking manner. Well, just half-joking. It must be tough having to deal with such a complex human person because your previous child, my sister, is very much straight-forward (and loud) about her thoughts and opinions (we both know sometimes she can be extremely hard to handle). Furthermore, I’m a guy, it’s probably weird for you at that time since you might think it was supposed to be more simple with guys, but it’s shown to be completely opposite. But you accepted me regardless despite me changing to a more moody, depressed person who forgets everyone’s birthdays and function virtually without emotions. A lot happened, but you never blamed me for it, and I appreciate that.
Thank you mom!
Now that I’m about to finish my university degree, I feel like I’m having a full circle moment. I’m not sad as much as before and I find strength in myself and the people around me and it’s all thanks to you and your guidance. I do know that sometimes you feel like I’m leaving you and your world behind but the reality is, and though it’s hard for me to accept: ‘I’m nowhere near being full grown’. And to be honest, no matter how much I’m going to grow and change, no matter how much my universe is moving away, I will probably never going to grow up because to you, I’m just going to be forever a child and I’m hapy with that. If you take a look at my life, my universe, you will realize that you are the planet that is always closest to my heart. Sure, I might pack things up again one day to explore and go on to another adventure with new people, I will undoubtedly always come back to where you are, which is home. I guess family is that special to me. I feel like from now on, I will start remembering again, your birthday as well as everyone else. I can feel the change in my heart right now, at this moment as I’m typing this out to you.
Happy birthday mom, I wish you all the best!